Trust

Trust is the bridge between two entities which stand on the pillars of mutual confidence.

If the confidence is strong, trust flourishes and if the confidence is week, it crumbles.

सपनो की यात्रा।

क्या कभी सपने 

कोंध्ते हुए आते है

रोंदते है यादो को

कुचल देते है अरमान

और तिलमिला देते है अंतर आत्मा को 

सपनो तुम क्यूँ आते हो 

तुम तो अपने गहन, निश्चल 

सीमायों से परे लोकं में 

विचरण करते हो

फिर क्यूँ नीरव, सपाट लोक

की सैर को चल देते हो 

कभी क्या तुमने सोचा है

अपने प्रतिबिम्ब के परिणामो को

क्या देखा है उतर कर 

ह्रदय की गहराई को

सपनो तुम तो अपना खेल 

खेलना जानते हो

नहीं जानते मेरी संवेदनाओ को

और नहीं जानते संवेदनाओ से परे

छिपी जीवन की सचाई को

तुम तो बस आ जाते हो
यकायक कोंध्ते हुए,

रोंदने के लिए कुछ अरमानो को

और तिलमिला देते हो अंतर आत्मा को

From a Husbands Diary: Going out…

The point is not that my life was shattered and devastated that night; the bigger question is your own heart is broken. That what you dreamt is destroyed, completely and gone forever.

The beautiful world which you created in your heart even though for few months or moments was in fact not just a figment of your imagination. It was a hard core reality which you created with your own hands. It was metamorphosis of your dreams in which you lived with somebody whom you truly and passionately loved.

You always liked Sunil; liked his personality, his gestures, nature, way of speaking, habits, interests and above all you liked his mesmerizing voice which made you go crazy and come out of yourself.

Those moments with Sunil overpowered you to an extent that you forgot my existence – the very existence of your husband. You infect did not remembered your own self and cried for your love for days and nights, your own resistance to part away did not help and you could not resist calling him back. You called him again and again, sent text messages and romanticized in your secret relationship.

This was not your first encounter with him. Your confession for your attraction to Sunil seven years back is a testimony of your deep rooted love for his personality. His funny, naughty or sober, conversations and adoring inclination were well understood by you in 2003-2004 itself you admitted.

My sudden discovery of your continued relationship has given me an unexpected shock. All of a sudden I found myself guilty of my manhood, lost and realize me standing alone in this crowded world – away from all. I am alone, shocked as deceived by my own wife for somebody else.

As you cried in front of me, I was infect moaning for my lost love, my faith was shattered. My trust betrayed. But you still continue to love him. You could not depart the feeling which developed inside your heart where you kept your hidden love deep inside. You were ready to fight with me like an angry woman whose beloved was snatched by the cruel world. You tried to hide your pain, to pretend you are okay. But the more you deny, the more your face reflected it. I can understand the agony which you were undergoing that night. Forgetting a person with whom you became so much intimate was not possible to be abandoned instantaneously.

For the fact that you adored Sunil Batra, you were influenced by him from last 16 years since you were living in hometown. Many years before we were married. When you shared your feelings for him, you were translating your dream man. Did you remember how many times, I asked you about your expectations from your husband? You were always silent, pretended unaware.

Sunil is aware of your taste, color, places and likings. You both share similar thoughts, music, films and what not? He is well to do in a respectable company at a senior position with bigger responsibilities. A business graduate from coveted IMT, he frequently travels abroad for business, manages large sales team. Living comfortably with his small family now with 2 children, his wife is PhD in Psychology!!

I envied him, felt jealous of a person who has snatched my wife from me, taken away my love and broken my dreams. My jealousy for Sunil is because of my male ego – that’s what you shouted on me. I wonder what has brought you to this conclusion, what has brought you both together like this that you hated me to such an extent? Perhaps my fate.

I could not retaliate. How could I have done that and for whom? When you were not with me mentally and emotionally I will be a fool to hold your hand and I did not. I left myself to my fate and you to your destiny.

Having spent 14 years together in our marriage, separation is not easy. It is a word which is hard to understand and comes with pain and resentment. You might not be emotionally attached to me, but I was. I too loved you. You have given birth to my son. I have to live for him.

The very fact that you still loved him even after my discovery of your clandestine adventure was an indicator of your decision.

Melancholy was my chosen life and desperation an attempt to live. Bewildered I thought where I went wrong during all these days? I was a committed husband and off course I never felt you are disgruntled.

My profession and experience probably is not so callous to go waste. I have too seen the world and understood its very nitty-gritty. I understand relationships, people, businesses, moves and advances. My inquisitiveness to know more about Sunil tempted me to enquire. First, I wanted to know who this mysterious person is who remain in your life from past 16 years at different times. He followed you at all different occasions, different cities, in different offices. Who is he and what his purpose is? I could not somehow take up you description for Sunil. Your own versions were conflicting.

Sometime, things don’t give too much when they have to land up in more trouble. When layers are unfolding, they unfold fast. One open secret leads open the other and the mystery resolves easily. The same happened in the case of your dream man Sunil Batra. The versatile personality as you thought earlier came out to be swindler. A seasoned fraud who did mean jobs to keep his life cycle moving. Hailing from a hamlet in Haryana he was deceiving you from past decades. Not living in Mumbai, never studied above graduation, not so wealthy enough, your true love was a cheater. A crook who fancied woman and you were one of them!

What a twist to your love story which originated many years ago! This was after all your choice to fall prey to a womanizer. It was your turn to get surprises; awe welcomed you, the way it booted me out. Stories of your beloved with whom you spent nights together on telephone humiliated you. Did you ever imagined you conversed with the man for long hours lying on our bed, the same bed where we sleep, discuss important issues of our household, future and made strategies. You made my bed a playground of your romantic world keeping me out and bringing someone else.

Once the real life of Sunil is completely exposed, your love life too came to an abrupt end. I am not sure whether you feel cheated by him, humiliated or insulted, but what bewildered me is your attitude. All of a sudden as if the light of wisdom opened your closed eyes. A sudden serenity unveiled your self esteem and you transformed to a sagacious human. But my dear, was that all enough? Does the truth comes at discount and so easily digestible that could make a wanderer a settler with a swoop? Are relationships so cheap that you can take or leave anybody in a blink of decision? Are emotions so fluid that you can immerse as in them per your wish? Just like the pendulum of clock moves swiftly, you changed back from Sunil to me. This may be easy for you. Hard to say, but difficult for me.

Now, you can not go back even in memories and dream of Sunil to whom you loved and thought for his love. The illusion is over and you are back to live with me, physically and emotionally as you say, but what about my emotions? You were always with me, pretended to be lovingly, homely, caring and sharing and you may still continue to do the same bewildering me to distinguish your personality before, during and after the discovery and till how long.